Forever December
by xXJellyxBellyXx
Summary: Rachel tries to deal with the life changing decision she made years ago. my first fanfic...all comments are more than welcome!


Hey guys!  This is the first time I've tried my hand at writing fiction so please feel free to critique anything.  The story revolves around Rachel and how she's dealing with the choices she's made.  Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer:  I guess this is the part where I admit to having the characters locked up in my closet?  Sadly and surprisingly, that's not true and I don't own any of them.  The song I used is by Tabitha's Secret and is called _Forever December_.

Rachel quietly crept toward the window and stared out at the barren beauty that surrounded her. They bought this house years ago, before any of the kids had started school. It was absolutely wonderful, complete with the white porch and picket fence she had always imagined in her dreams.  But none of that compared to the land that enveloped them. Even now in December, when all the vibrant fall colors had faded to gray and the trees were nothing more than skeletons, she couldn't imagine any place she'd rather be.  Maybe that was because she'd always loved winter, but more likely she was able to see the delicacy of winter's loneliness because it reminded her of herself.

_I reach within my isolation,_

_I harbor it, I honor it_

_You say you'd like to see me closer,_

_Of course you would, you have no choice_

She pressed her palm against the cold of the glass and a slight smile crossed her face as she watched her children, Emma and Josh, play on their new swing set. Her thoughts wondered back to the day last week when Ross had painstakingly tried to assemble the play equipment.  He spent hours reading the instructions and putting pieces together, but as the sun was setting he was still no better off than when he'd started. In desperation he'd finally allowed Rachel to call for help.  Less than two hours later Chandler had assembled the set without so much as touching the instructions, much to Ross's dismay. 

Rachel inwardly laughed at the memory, but the mood began to crumble when her eyes caught the sight of the silver frame on the small table below. She picked it up and lightly traced the outline of Chandler, Monica and their two twin boys. It was one of those silly, professional pictures people have taken at the mall. Chandler and Monica were wearing cheesy grins and the 3 year olds were snuggled in between their parents. She loved them all so much, but couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy every time she was near them. The family was so young, carefree, happy...and complete. 

_And I cry cause the weather has gotten to me, _

_And I laugh at the people that I can't be,_

_All their lives,_

_Silly pictures_

_Hey now now now, hey now hey baby_

_Baby's getting older_

_Hey now now now, hey now hey baby_

_The tide is turning, turning us away_

She hated herself for being depressed and self-absorbed.  Even though she had been able to hide her dark emotions well, she still felt guilty for harboring them. She loved her children endlessly and she loved Ross, or at least that's what she kept telling herself. He was so good to her and so wonderful to their children, but she couldn't help but feel incomplete with him. She didn't understand why every time she was with him her thoughts drifted to Joey and the what ifs would begin to echo through her mind. 

She'd thought about him so much it made her feel dizzy. He had loved her once and only now was Rachel certain that she loved him back. But it was too late for them. She'd been married to Ross for over 5 years and wouldn't even dream of leaving him and the kids behind. She had no choice but to stay.

_You build the wall I'll build the fountain,_

_We'll wrestle it  _

_We'll conquer it_

_I think we'll live to see the mountain_

_Of course we will_

_We have no choice_

_And I cry cause the weather has gotten to me, _

_And I laugh at the people that I can't be,_

_All their lives,_

_Silly pictures_

Ross walking into the room with a smile interrupted her thoughts. Rachel smiled back as best she could and he responded by enveloping her in a loose hug. He smiled and gazed into her eyes and she returned the look, only now realizing how poorly he'd aged over the years. Although nothing was said, Rachel knew he was aware of her lingering feelings for Joey. She brightened up every time he walked into a room and always managed to hug him a little longer than was necessary. The lack of fulfillment in their marriage had aged them both, but neither was ready to let go.

_Hey now now now, hey now hey baby_

_Baby's getting older, baby's getting older_

_Hey now now now, hey now hey baby_

_The tide is turning, don't turn me away_

As she relaxed in his arms she couldn't help but be reminded of a time when another man had held her like this.

~~7 years earlier~~

Rachel quietly entered Joey's apartment and shook the snow from her jacket. He turned around in his barca lounger with a huge smile adorning his face. Joey quickly got up to give her a hug and they shared a tender kiss. "Nothing compares to being wrapped in your arms," Rachel told him silently, without needing to say the actual words. She smiled into his chest, but immediately sobered up when she remembered her reason for coming over. Reluctantly pulling herself away from him, she looked into his boyish brown eyes.

"Joey, I need to tell you something."

He noted the seriousness in her tone and gestured for her to take a seat in one of the barca loungers as he walked over and sat back down in the other. She pulled her chair closer to his and gently took his hands in hers while taking a seat on the edge.  A sad half smile crossed her lips and she slowly began.

"Honey, I know these last few weeks have been fun, but I just don't think I can do this anymore. Ross and I had a good talk last night and we've both decided to give our relationship another try."

She noticed the immediate change in his demeanor and continued before he had a chance to say anything.

"We just think it's best for Emma. He says he still loves me and I'm pretty sure I have feelings for him. If we can make this work in any way…I think we owe it to ourselves and to our daughter to at least give it a try."

Joey immediately removed his hands from her grasp so he would be able to wipe away the tears that were threatening to fall.  He looked into her eyes and responded.

"I just don't understand Rach. How can you do this to me? These past few weeks have been the best of my life and I know you feel the same." 

He paused to wipe away the tears that were now falling freely.

"Can you honestly tell me this is what you want? To get back together with Ross?"

A quiet yes was all she could manage, but the sad look in her eyes was saying the exact opposite. She quietly let herself out as he slumped over in his chair and his head fell into his hands.  She made it all the way down the stairs before collapsing into a nearby corner and crying for the man she had just hurt and the life she was denying herself. But Ross wanted her and she wanted nothing more than to give her child both her parents.  Upon realizing that people were staring, Rachel tried to pull herself together and shakily made an exit into the bitter cold December air.

And I can remember 

_Forever December,_

_The center of dying,_

_The heart of the pain_

_The rose in the bottle,_

_The thorns in the bottom_

_The stars surround me_

_The cold astounds me_

The memory quickly faded as Emma and Josh came running into the house demanding hot chocolate. "I'll tend to them," Ross gently commented as he released his wife from his arms and placed a sweet kiss on her temple. Rachel thanked him with a smile and returned to her spot beside the window. Looking up at the dreary sky, she realized it was beginning to snow. A small smile played across her lips. Cheerful noises could be heard from the kitchen and right now she wanted nothing more than to be a part of them.

As she turned to leave her eyes once more fell upon the photo and her thoughts again wondered. She was almost certain Monica, Chandler and the kids were gathered around the table eating dinner right now.  Phoebe and Mike were probably cuddled up by the fire in their new house and Joey was most likely spending the evening with his girlfriend of over a year. Rachel teared up at the realization that everyone was completely content with their lives except for her. The fact that Joey seemed to finally be over her stung more than she was willing to admit. 

Glancing outside once more, Rachel noticed that the snow was quickly blanketing the ground. She wiped away the tears that had managed to escape and turned to walk into the kitchen, toward the life she had chosen years ago.

_And I cry cause the weather has gotten to me, _

_And I laugh at the people that I can't be,_

_All their lives,_

_Pretty pictures_

_Hey now now now, hey now hey baby_

_Baby's getting older, baby's getting older_

_Hey now now now, hey now hey baby_

_The tide is turning, turning us away._


End file.
